Since the PT appointment yesterday, feeding (you know, the thing my life revolves around) has been up and down.  We had a couple of intensely painful feeds (like, just cry through it, because there’s nothing else to do – especially when you don’t have pumped milk available and you’re already there and you’re a stubborn pain in the ass who won’t give up until she decides, independent of the heat of the moment, to switch plans) and some good feeds that weren’t completely not-uncomfortable, but were totally manageable and probably as good as I can expect until my nipples heal.  It makes me skittish to go into a feed – or really, just to latch her on, even if it’s one feed but switching sides.

Having a tentative plan, however, makes me feel much better – I plan to “grin and bear it” as best as possible until three months, and re-evaluate the situation then.  If necessary, we’ll use “strategic pump&feed” once or twice in a day, and I’ll keep using my magic nipple cream (really, just a combination of lanolin, st. john’s wort oil, and using the cotton nursing bra pads I have), and get through it if at all possible.  Clearly, if things go downhill and it’s just no longer a tenable situation, then I’ll change that plan.  But I have at least two other professionals I would want to see first.  If, at three months, things are not improved, I will probably move towards more (and possibly exclusively) pumping and bottle-feeding the breastmilk.  If things do improve, well… problem solved.  (This problem, anyway.  I’m sure there will be others.)  While I want to be optimistic every time we have a good feed, the bad ones tempt me to flip over the other way, so having this plan in mind makes me feel better – I’m working towards an end, rather than some open-ended who-knows-what.

I had commented on the overwhelming attention breastfeeding is taking in my life to Jason the other day.  He asked when I was thinking of taking Neo back to obedience class, and I said “when we have this feeding thing figured out; my life is kind of on hold until then”.  And that’s really how it feels, outside of teaching four (and a half) yoga classes a week (and three of those are at home, and are likely to be our pump&feed feedings), my life really has been on hold until this gets resolved, since not only do feedings take a long time, but I just have to spend some time recovering afterwards, and being so very careful of how I move and what comes near my breasts, including her feet and hands while we’re playing.