Saw the OT today. She definitely saw improvement in her lips, and some in her tongue, but she was still using her tongue inconsistently. Between the humped tongue in the middle and cupping at the tip, she suspects she likely has a very slight posterior tongue tie. It might not even be worth treating surgically, but may be one little piece of the puzzle. She also confirmed my suspicions that the shoulder tension I see in Daphne when she’s eating (shoulders sometimes scrunched up around her neck) may be contributing to the poor tongue use since that posture pulls on the hyoid bone, which needs to move freely to operate the tongue.

She gave us one other exercise to do, helping to stretch out and release the muscles and tendons on either side of the base of the tongue. We are also going to have Jason do the exercises, since I have been unable to successfully do anything but the lip stretches. Turns out that baby girl is smart, and picky. Mom doesn’t get to put things in her mouth that aren’t a human nipple.

She was certainly pleased that Daphne showed some signs of improvement, but noted that we are getting close, developmentally, to the stage where her patterns are starting to set and getting improvement is going to be difficult. She suggested that we see a local physical therapist who also specializes in newborn feeding issues, and who may be able to help work on the head/neck/shoulder issue from another angle. She was also very supportive of my thought of seeing an osteopath who was recommended to me for cranial osteopathy work. (I’m keeping my fingers crossed that it could help with her reflux as well.)

I was even able to get ahold of the PT, who seemed to have an idea of where to go with this just based off of the description I gave her.  Unfortunately, she doesn’t have an appointment for another three weeks.  I’m feeling a bit time-pressured by the whole thing, but we scheduled an appointment for early July and are on her wait list.  It’s a good thing I’ve got pretty much all my days wide open!  Wednesday, when they’re open again, I’ll be calling the DO and seeing if they can get her in soon as well.

We’re headed back to the OT today. While we had seen a little bit of progress, and while I had stopped doing all the exercises (except the chin counter-pressure) while she was having her incredible gassy/fussy/crying/wailing spell, she should be farther along towards not causing mommy extreme pain than she is. I’m still in the “I dread feeding her, because it’s going to hurt like hell during, and for at least an hour afterwards – then it starts all over again an hour after that” phase, which is really depressing. (It’s always tricky using that word to describe anything postpartum, because I don’t want anyone to jump to the PPD assumption, because individual “things” can be depressing even if you aren’t depressed over all.) Jason and I were playing a card game on the dining table while Daphne spent some awake -quiet time in the swing, and I commented that when the feeding goes particularly badly over the span of a day or two, I get into a phase where I don’t really want to be around her (hey, she’s a reminder of lots of pain!) but when she’s quiet and in the swing, I want to take her out and hold her. Definitely feeling the attachment growing, but oh do we need to stop the bad feeding. And, so far, I continue to be too stubborn to go to exclusively pumping and bottle feeding. (Yes, some of it is my own self-expectations given the situation, but some of it is just the convenience factor of being able to pull out a boob and feed her, regardless of having the accoutrements available.)

In happier news, she has come to love the changing table. I was told this was likely to happen, but it’s really humorous to see. She’s getting a little less pissed off about having to fart, but she still gets “fussy” – but it’s just a very active sort of thing with arms flailing around and legs kicking and her squirming and being variable. But she’ll smile a fair bit during it, so last night, trying to get her to poop without a diaper on (oh, I do love having prefolds I can lay everywhere), we spent 40 minutes “playing” on the changing table. Ok, most of it was me cheering on a poop, but hey, that’s what moms of newborns do.

And in other, other news, tomorrow I start teaching yoga again. First class is at home at night; keep your fingers crossed that she doesn’t start screaming. Then six in the morning Wednesday, where I hope she feeds at a convenient time. Then Wednesday night at home again. Whew. I hope we get lucky with her behavior!

Today was the day to get my ultrasound done. As the birth center doesn’t do ultrasounds, they called the facility that did my prenatal ultrasounds, affiliated with one of our local eastside hospitals. That maternal/fetal medicine facility doesn’t do postpartum care, so they referred me to a women’s clinic in Seattle.

But no one warned us it was an abortion clinic we were being sent to.

I will state up front that I am pro-choice, even after having Daphne. But Jason started having reservations when he checked the website last night. It noted that they provided other services (dealing with miscarriages, free pregnancy tests, etc.), but gave him the “low cost abortion clinic” feel. I had hopes that it was a more general women’s clinic that wanted to be supportive of reproductive rights. Turns out that Jason was right.

Keep in mind that I had been told not to eat or drink for 6 hours prior to the appointment, in case they had to do a D&C, and they last thin I had was at midnight. So I was hungry and very thirsty – hence cranky. They also told me that I would need someone else to drive, in case they used anaesthesia, so Jason drove, which meant Daphne came with us. (Not to mention we expected her to want to eat just before the appointment.) But when we arrived to a full room of women (most of whom were sitting next to and leaning on or holding hands with what looked like a significant other), the receptionist told me that they had a policy of not allowing babies in the clinic, and she would have to wait outside.

WTF?!

Ok, I “understand” that you want to be sensitive to the people there who are looking to do a termination, but I you are going to offer postpartum services, making the baby wait outside is ridiculous. It’s fortunate that Jason had driven, or I would have had to skip the appointment entirely. Instead I filled out paperwork on the bench right outside the clinic’s office, and immediately in front of the entrance to the building. I’m not sure how that helps their clients feel any better, or makes it any better.

Suffice it to say that Jason’s misgivings were realized, and I was getting rather annoyed. We spent about twenty minutes in the front lobby, while I waited for my appointment and fed her. And we discussed the unhappiness we had with the place. The forms I was filling out were entirely geared towards termination, which was mildly traumatic since it was so unexpected. And combined with the fact Jason wouldn’t be able to come in with me (since he had to stay with Daphne), I was not feeling the love. We did decide that if they did find something, we were not doing the D&C right then and there, as neither of us were feelig very comfortable about the whole situation. I really wish I had been warned about what I was getting into.

Fortunately, the doctor I saw was very nice, and seemed to know some of the background (and appears to know one of my midwives). He didn’t find any retained placenta and my uterus is just the size it’s supposed to be, but he walked me through what we were looking at on the ultrasound screen the whole time. At this point, the options are waiting a bit longer (as some women bleed for up to 8 weeks) or doing a D&C now (since that’s what would happen if I kept bleeding in order to “reset” the uterus or if there was something hanging around caught in the cervix, which is even more rare than retained placenta). Suffice it to say that we were all on the same page to wait and not do anything right now.

It was an odd experience. It’s not that I thought the care was subpar, but I felt discriminated against because I had a baby. I felt misled about the type of facility, though, honestly, that feeling is based entirely on my assumption of the type of facility and care that I expect. Since it was an “accessible” clinic, it certainly didn’t have the pretentions that higher-cost practices do, and since it had a particular niche it served, it wasn’t trying to be all inclusive. I hate to feel elitist or biased, but I certainly felt distinctly out of place, and as though I really did not belong there – not quite unwelcome, but not quite welcome either.

Of course, getting good news goes a long way to making me feel better about the experience (read: no rather angry anymore).

We had our 5.5 week appointment yesterday, and the midwife who delivered her was very pleased with how she was doing. Jason had to remind me to tell her I was still bleeding, which left her a bit concerned. She’s sending me to get an ultrasound to look for retained placental fragments, though nothing looked like that would be the case during the birth. If there is, I have to have a D&C, which honestly sounds horrid and awful. They may also put me on antibiotics, which would suck because I think that’s what set off Daphne’s digestive issues. Fortunately, I don’t have to wait longer than Saturday to find out. Unfortunately, I have to try to pump enough for a feeding or two since I have to dump my first breasts-full after a procedure, should it happen.

She’s been having good days, and I took my chances and finally made it to my first yoga class since the day I went into labor. She wasn’t the most cooperative, and wanted to feed (but badly) when we got there, and again an hour later. She also had to be held for a while (which the teacher did, but not quite the way I suggested since she had just eaten and spit up twice). But it was great to get out and move, even if just a bit.

Monday sucked. You can read the previous blog entry if you want to know how much it sucked. Hours and hours of crying and then handed the baby off to daddy to I could go cry in my room while I heard her cry downstairs. Thank goodness Jason was able to take her, because I was just spent. And I knew the crying was not just “I want to cry for crying’s sake” but something wasn’t quite right. And, after not hearing back from the midwives, I decided to schedule her with her pediatrician (who is also my doctor) to see if anything was going on.

Monday night, we talked about what we were noticing, and decided to try not burping her after eating. Not even really lifting her all the way upright, but very very slowly transitioning her from side lying (but still slanted) to a little less side lying, but still reclined. Less reflux-face, less gas, and hence – less crying. They say to keep babies more upright for reflux, and to burp them for gas, but … well … apparently not this one. I continued this pattern during the night and next morning, and still she was doing good. Granted, I also significantly changed my diet to very basic foods for the moment, but I’m not sure how much that played a role and how much was the moving, but I don’t know that I care.

The doctor’s appointment was rather uneventful, and as the doctor predicted, she was perfectly content and quiet during the visit (for the most part, she wasn’t thrilled about the stethoscope to the belly while naked and lying on her back). But the doctor could easily hear and feel a pretty large amount of gas in her stomach/intestines. Not much we can do for it, but as she gets bigger, she should grow out of it – better coordinating her breathing/swallowing, getting a bigger stomach, and better managing the movement of gas through her system. She noted that gripe water may be hit or miss, and since Daphne is also showing signs of mild reflux, simethicone (gas drops for infants) may help or may make the reflux worse making her swallow more air leading to pain from the reflux and more gas. We’re going to take a pass on that one for now and see how things continue to go as they are. (And I’ll be avoiding and only slowly reintroducing gassy foods. 🙂 )

Net result is that she spent Tuesday fairly happy. There were a couple of spontaneous “oh god, that’s uncomfortable” cries, but they were brief; you move her or bounce her and she’s feeling better. Of course, she really only was comfortable being held and bounced on a ball most of the time, which makes for a sore back, but a sore back and a happy baby is a win over an unhappy baby (regardless of how the back feels) any day. But the shocking change from nearly incessant crying to fairly content the whole day is so dramatic. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll take it, but it’s almost shocking to the system!

And this morning, she was doing so well and so content that after a little down time post-feeding, we played! In a five week old this consists of moving her limbs around (hand to hand, hand to foot, bicycling the legs, flexing/extending the legs), putting her on her belly (and then putting her on her belly on my chest when she screams bloody murder about being tummy down on the carpet), sitting her up facing me and facing out (encouraging her to do a bit of sitting on her own, but offering lots of support, of course), and talking at her (describing the room) while she sits facing out on my lap. About 20 minutes of this, and she’s done. But it is, literally, the first time we’ve really had a “play session” that lasted longer than 60 seconds.

For those who ask “isn’t it all worth it” and “are you bonding” now that we’ve had some more good days and she’s more interactive, not everyone bonds immediately. For some of us, it’s a love that grows over time. That doesn’t mean I’m less protective of her, that I’m less of a parent to her. It means it’s a relationship that is being built, and not one that appears entirely formed, magically, on the day of birth. But we are getting there, and that’s all I can ask.

She’s been crying for … 24 hours? Sure, not non-stop; she has to eat sometime, and she’s had a couple of little 20 minute naps. But otherwise crying, calming down for a minute when I do something, then crying again. Bouncing her on an exercise ball was the only thing that worked, and it’s hard to do that for hours on end. Swaddling didn’t help for very long and only when combined with the swing (but I took what I could get), and I had no luck with the pacifier. I tried various holds, and so on. Her hunger cues were not terribly clear, but I made my best guesses, and she never seemed too hungry, but would cry as soon as she was done and moved an inch.

I’m definitely feeling at my wits end, and fortunately Jason worked a short day and came home and took her. He’s had more luck with the pacifier than I have, but I don’t know that it’s going to last. Yes, half an hour of quiet is good, but I want to find out what’s wrong. I hate to rely on a pacifier, and worry that it’s going to make the breastfeeding issues worse, but we have to use what we have to use.

I can’t begin to describe the soul-deadening despair that sets in when NOTHING you do can get you more than enough time to eat a piece of chicken. The OT exercises are out the window, the dietary changes are being implemented, the gripe water didn’t do anything, trying having her go naked didn’t do much (10 minutes of quiet once). She’s got a pediatrician appointment tomorrow, which, at 15 hours away, seems like an eternity, and I’ve got a call in to the midwives since Friday. I don’t feel like I’m going to go insane, but I do feel like the only way to get through the day is to just go numb and automaton my way through it. It gets the job done but I feel bad at what I’m not giving her.

“Colic” gets better by four months or so. Three months of this is some kind of inhumane punishment, and I’m hoping and praying that there is something that someone can do to help us.